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Behind Closed Tears
Through My Crimson Tears

"Never Love Me"
I watch him as he sits there
Wondering what he has on his mind
Hoping that he doesn't see me
And the way I look at him
With wishful eyes
And a hopeful look.
Sometimes I catch him look at me
And I can feel myself getting lost
Lost in his eyes that say so much
But are also hiding everything
That I've waited so long to hear from him.
As I lay here waiting
I pray that maybe he will hold me
And kiss me in such a way
That will make my mind start spinning
And my heart pound in my chest.
But just the way he looks at me
I know that it is I
Who is only in love with a man
Who shall never be in love with me.

"Love Not Allowed"
I have tried to fool myself for some time now
Repeating time and again that I have no feelings for you
Other than just being a friend
But for some reason I can't tell my heart
That friendship is all I feel
And nothing more
But there is something more
There's something inside of me
That feels like I'm going to burst
Into a million pieces every time I think of you
And every time I see your smile
And those big dimples that I love
My heart melts and my soul burns
Sometimes I find myself lost in your eyes
Just staring and thinking,
"God, what I wouldn't do to have him love me."
But then I catch him look at me
With such a look that makes me wonder,
"Could he ever love me?"
"God, I want him to love me
To say my name with the passion
That I find myself using with his name."
But then I remember quickly
That I'm not supposed to have these feelings
That I promised myself when I got in this
That I wouldn't let my heart take over
And let my eyes produce tears when I think of you
And the fact that you will never think of me as more than a friend...
And I shall wipe away those tears
With a hand that longs to touch your face
And a heart that longs to be yours.

"Without You"
I sit here staring
At this sheet of white
Watching it stare back at me
Waiting for me to write something
Something of importance
Something from the heart
That is too delicate
To speak of in words
And with a thousand thoughts
Racing through my head
As to what this significant
And precious thought is
I come up with nothing
Nothing except for the mere fact
That I am nothing without you.

"Loved"
I often find it hard to remember
What it was like to be loved
What it was like to be in his arms
That would hold me so tight
And I knew that no harm could ever come to me.
I find it hard to recall
The exact way my body tingled
As he gently touched my face
And as he pressed his body against my flesh.
And sometimes I forget
How warm his lips were
As they connected with mine
And as they ventured through every creavis of my body.
There are times when I can't think
Of the way I'd fall in love all over again
Every time he'd stare in my eyes
And whisper how much he loved me.
And late at night, I become very scared
Scared that as I close my eyes
And fall into my dreams
That with the rising of the sun
And the start of another day
I shall forget what exactly it was like
To love him.

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